What I Needed Most During My Affair

If you’re knee-deep in one, you may need these things too

kasey sparks
4 min readDec 11, 2021


Photo by Dayne Topkin on Unsplash

I can hear the comments already.

“I’ll tell you what you needed. You needed to get out of the damn thing!”

Although that advice may be true, it’s not very helpful. During my affair, my head and heart were a tumultuous roller-coaster ride of emotions. One day I’d be soaring. I’d feel so alive. The next day the enormity of the whole thing would sink in and I’d take a nosedive.

I knew I needed to end this exhausting ride, but my head was spinning so fast I couldn’t think straight. To take that step, I needed a few things first.

I needed someone to listen without judgment

The worst part of being involved with a married man is that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.

Scratch that.

The worst part was that I was involved with a married man. The next to worst part was that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.

Of course, the very nature of an affair involves secrecy. I didn’t want anyone to find out. There’s also so much shame placed on people who have affairs, which is understandable because it’s a betrayal. It’s a situation many people can’t justify no matter what the circumstances are.

But the sticky part is that if the statistics are accurate, there are a whole lot of people having them. So, in my opinion, there must be a lot of people out there who’d find it helpful to talk to someone about them honestly.

At least I know it would've been helpful for me. I needed to talk to someone about what I was doing and how I was feeling. I needed to process it all with someone who understood. Someone who’d been there before.

But how do you find the right person for that? To help you work through it all when there’s so much shame and secrecy around affairs? I couldn’t tell any of my friends. From parents to partners, so many of them had either witnessed the effects of an affair or been hurt by one themselves. If I told them what I was doing, I’d have brought my friends a crap ton of pain.



kasey sparks

making mistakes · gathering lessons · sparking curiosity · finding meaning & magical moments in the midst of my messy life · wrangling words since 2017