So much of your story echoes my story. I understand exactly where you are. The struggle. The sense of being shaken awake. All of that happened to me too. I tried to keep my marriage going, turning over every stone to avoid what became the only obvious answer for me.

I wish you the best in discerning what will work for you. It's not easy but one day a path will appear and clarity will arrive. Sending you a hug.