Curiosity is the spark behind my spark
I’ve always been intensely curious.
I’m curious about the world around me, the world inside me, and the world inside others. I love to hear people’s stories — how they got from point A to point B, why they do the things they do and think the things they think.
My curiosity is never about judgment, but instead about understanding. I enjoy learning through interaction, conversations, and experiences.
As a child, I drove my dad crazy with all my curious questions. I suppose I was a bit annoying with my incessant whys, hows…
I’m not sure if it was because I was hot while getting ready for work this morning. Or if I was just tired. Or if I was just being stubborn.
What I know for sure is that I wanted to wear the top I’d bought the night before. And when I tried it on, I wasn’t sure if it worked with the skirt I wanted to wear.
As I looked in the mirror at myself, I thought “Ya know, I don't really give a f*ck if it works. I’m wearing it anyway.”
My bravado made me think back to a…
“I want a trip inside your head
Spend the day there
To hear the things you haven’t said
And see what you might see” ~U2, Miracle Drug
Wanna understand how foggy my mind became while being married to a covert narcissist? Wanna take a glimpse at how my affair cleared away that fog?
Then take a trip inside my head.
People on Medium often chide me when they read about my affair. They equate the time I was involved in one with being in a fog. They say I wasn’t thinking clearly.
I understand how people can see it that…
I’ve been thinking lately about all the writers here on Medium — and those who write for Songstories in particular —and how through the words they use and songs they choose I feel like I’m getting to know who they are. Writing on this platform has a way of opening people up.
I know I often spill my guts here. In reading my stories, you’ll get to know who I am on the inside.
I often read stories here that stretch my mind. They give me a different perspective on the lives of others. I gain a new level of…
Now that I’ve been alone for a few years, I’ve become comfortable with myself. I’ve worked through a number of my issues.
I’m feeling good. I’m enjoying who I am. I’m happy.
Although my alone time has been great, what I’d like more than anything is to share my happiness with someone else. I know I can be me and be confident when I’m alone, but where the rubber hits the road will be to discover if I can do this in a relationship with a man.
I’ve done a crap ton of growth work on my own, but testing…
When affairs come to light, they can be devastating. Suddenly your partner seems like a stranger. The relationship you thought was solid is now in question. You may feel like you’ve been living a lie; that all you thought was true is no longer so.
The pain may seem insurmountable. You may want to throw in the towel. You may want to throw your partner under the bus. You may want to crawl into bed and never come out.
Pain can often bring about impulsive actions or fearful avoidance. Both are understandable. …
When I was young, I thought Grace Kelly and Jackie Kennedy embodied what it meant to be a real woman. They glide into rooms. Their nails are beautifully manicured. Their speech flows with gentle kindness. Their hair is perfect. They drip with elegance.
I can’t imagine them ever getting sweaty or messy, not even when having sex.
But alas, I’m not one of those women. I often bolt into rooms. My cuticles need tending. My words come out in fits and starts and often need white-out. I failed hair and makeup 101. …
I’m a recovering boundaryless people-pleaser.
In my marriage, all my wounds happened on the inside. My heart held a boatload of hurt feelings. I was a people-pleaser and had no boundaries set to protect myself. Because of this, I wasn’t comfortable communicating my needs and expressing all of my emotions.
So I did what any boundaryless people-pleaser in an unhealthy relationship does.
I stuffed them down.
But they were always there just below the surface. Keeping all those hurts and emotions stuffed inside me was like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. …
In the course of getting to know a potential partner, there comes a point in time where I feel the need to reveal a bit about my past. Underneath the clothes I show to the world, I wear the Scarlett A from my affair.
So before the dating train gets too far down the tracks, I ask the question.
Do you have any deal-breakers?
I’d like to hear what these are for someone early on because once my heart gets wound around someone, it can become painfully hard to unwind it.
And I know affairs can be hot-button issues. If…
As often happens when I read a touching essay, an idea begins to percolate in my head. Someone else’s words spark a thought within me that beckons to be explored.
Earlier this week while reading Edward Riley’s essay “How to Be (Truly) Intimate With Me,” I was inspired to reflect. Edward touched on the idea of different levels of intimacy. He sees intimacy as a more profound connection we have with another person. I completely agree.
For intimacy to take place, I need to have a high level of trust — that what I share will be met with openness…